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(I feel like you're me
You think you're me)
I wander around in my head, looking at the spaces that coexist in there: a bedroom, a work room, a studio out in the backyard, even the gazebo out there where I could potentially set up regular meditation, but I don't because that means that I have to go down the back stairs which are kind of treacherous at this point. There's workaround for that; shoot I can go out the side door down the path to the side gate and into the backyard Bob's your uncle. I've been thinking I want to replace that fiddly padlock anyway.
So I don't really
have an excuse, anymore
than I have any real
pragmatic justification
for this close to the
edge pandemonium. I do
acknowledge that my
mood was lifted
temporarily because our
neighborhood newsletter
had an ad for a laundry
service where they pick
up and deliver hell
they even fold your
laundry. I had this
vision of black plastic
bags and every single
goddamn piece of
laundry disappears and
then magically I pay
them and it comes back
clean. Why did I drop
that idea? I have no
clue. The obvious
conclusion is I got
Low-grade
Lethargy—damn
that's good.
I'm gonna put that
on a T-shirt.
So here we are.
I've got surgery
for tomorrow on my
little basal cell ear.
Musical stuff just now
done and that's why
the going-ahead with
the ear. Sometimes I
say to myself that the
less you talk about an
experience the better
because it's an
experience not a
therapy session. Found
that out the hard way
with that lunatic
therapist. But I
digress. I did call L
yesterday because I was
feeling effusive. And
she's a piano
player so she would
understand. Also, an
admirer of classical
music. So I use words
to briefly and
breathlessly describe
that moment on Sunday
when I got goosebumps
at the end of the
piece, the conductor
standing there
motionless, utter
stillness. The closest
you could get to
timelessness.
That's all I really
needed to say, but of
course I'm an
inveterate babbler so I
did go on and on a
little bit. Tried to
sculpt it, and I think
I succeeded. With some
interactions tailored
to the temperament of
the human being I'm
transmitting to.
Like when I'm wandering
around the courtyard
during the reception
looking for my buddy
who said she was coming
to the performance and
her not being terribly
reliable no judgment
implied, just if
she's there
she's there if
she's not she's
not. Well, she appeared
out of nowhere and
there she was. We had
the loveliest couple of
hours to sit and chat
and catch up. And I was
quite aware of that the
extent to which I
remain present, all
temptations to
overwhelm in abeyance.
It's gonna be. See
how I did that? No
adjective necessary,
it's just gonna be.
In the time that
it's taken to
extract these
ruminations, thoughts
of my ear and laundry
and lack of electricity
in the back yard, and
the three giant, not
even giant just
overwhelmingly frisky
weeds, growing on the
driveway? Well, I know
intellectually that
they still exist but if
I close my eyes, they
could be gone.
I mean they could, couldn't they?
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