While You Slept

Les Marcott

(From Character Flaws (AviarPress 2005)

While you slept, I didn't. I got up for some strange reason and drank the eight glasses of water all the experts say you have to drink. Have you ever drank eight glasses of water in a row? It's not easy. I then brushed my teeth with the toothpaste four out of five dentists  recommend. I trimmed my nose hair and because of all the water intake I just had to urinate.  All this...while you peacefully slept. I then proceeded to eat the moldy cheese found in our  refrigerator. It wasn't so bad really. You must try it sometime. I went to the study to do some genealogy research. I found out that my great great grandfather and my great great grandmother were first cousins. Hence, my fear of inbreeding. I urinated again. I went back to the bedroom. You kept talking in your sleep. You kept mentioning the name Claude and what a nice pistol he has. I took notes. We must really talk about this sometimes. I then went back to the study and sorted through the pile of junk mail on the desk. You have won...you have won...you have won...and if I could have fallen asleep I could have dreamed about all that stuff we won. I then urinated again. I decided to take the dog for a walk. After walking a couple of blocks, he broke free and ran like hell toward the nursing home. Maybe some elderly resident will take him in and give him the love and understanding he so richly deserves. I hated that dog...I stopped by the neighborhood bar. I had a beer. Well maybe more than one. I shot the bull with the guys. And honey if some lady named Rita calls, I swear I didn't touch her. I was a little woozy but decided to walk home. Bad move...Bad  move. And of course you know I just had to go again. Another bad move. Especially when it's behind a parked car on the street. Especially when it's a cop car. I was picked up for public intoxication and public urination. Kay pleeeze. Are you there? Pick up pleeze. Get me outta here! There's some bad dude back in the cell who wants to make me his bitch.  Kay!

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