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Caitlin repeated " I am numb I can't feel anything". She was distressed and frightened. She could see that her classmates were able to express and release their feelings.  She did not want to be left behind again. Caitlin had left the class half way through the last year she had uncovered through counselling that she had depression since the age of twelve.
Caitlin's brother Gabe had been murdered when she was eight. Having never truly grieved for him she had struggled with an over whelming sadness and had equipped herself with any number of coping mechanisms. When she arrived in acting class the year before she was confronted by having to express her feelings for the first time in a long time she started to let her true feelings out.
It was too much all at once and Caitlin through negotiation with her teachers decided she should fight one bushfire at a time and take a leave of absence. In that time she had counselling and travelled and was able to begin the process of letting the immobilising grief for her brother subside.
Returning to the acting class was a big step.
Working with Caitlin revealed a conundrum two in fact.
Firstly: she was frustrated and frightened by feeling numb. She wanted to feel more than numb every time she worked but by getting up in front of class the "demon" energy caused a numbing reaction.
Caitlin had reached an impasse my question to her was. "
What if you accept the numbness instead of fighting it?" And in almost no time the impasse was breached and Caitlin stopped fighting the numbness. I liken this to a nurturing parent accepting a child's fear instead of invalidating, or worse denying the fear exists. In this case a child is reassured and the parent is free to present new possibilities. Caitlin then begins to develop an inner parent by accepting the numbness, which is a form of protection working hard to shield the wounded child.
In reaching this understanding Caitlin's tears of relief began to flow and the second conundrum revealed itself: "I am afraid if I am not depressed and sad for Gabe this will mean I don't care and don't love him!"
I suggested to Caitlin that this was a rule the mind had developed which was in fact not true and not the case at all. She agreed and the second transition began to occur. I asked her to imagine the possibility that this rule no longer applied. She did so and in almost no time again she experienced relief and lightness.
I feel that in this facilitation by encouraging Caitlin to consider new possibilities I am helping her to build a neural pathway hither to untravelled. The litmus test that this is beneficial is Caitlin's measurement of relief, satisfaction and lightness of being.
Note that the second awareness emerged as a result of uncovering the first.
Here is an extract from Caitlin's journal which incidentally I read after I had written the above.
I was very surprised with myself today. I had to stand in front of the class and tell them something about myself that I wouldn't usually share with just anyone. I was so scared of working from a place of fear that I created a block in my body. I acknowledged the reasons behind it and it was such a release for me. I was angry with myself for not letting myself feel sad for Gabe and letting myself feel sad for me. I am so grateful for discovering my depression because it now allows me to differentiate between the sadness in myself and the sadness I feel for Gabe. The emotions that also go along with everyday life are starting to show through each day that I choose to survive this illness. It makes me so proud because it is such a struggle but I can do it because I have survived the worst and I am passionate about living. I am no longer afraid of life because I control my depression, it no longer controls me.
Where to from here?
I have experienced Caitlin's account and many others in training actors and it confirms once again that everything begins with Awareness Caitlin's new awareness is exciting to witness her experience of this awareness fulfills and encourages her. The next step she takes is to accept what the awareness reveals. The alternative to Acceptance is indifference, denial or judgement: any of these states provides an immediate roadblock to growth. By practicing acceptance the new pathway has a chance to establish itself.
The next step and most important step is Practice. For new awareness to truly embed itself in the brain and for it to become part of the mastery, 10,000 hours of practice is required. (I am using this figure metaphorically however it does have some scientific value).
If Caitlin in the future for example, is challenged circumstantially to return to a familiar tendency, tempted to re-build the rule she has begun to dissolve, she will be better equipped if she has been practicing it's release naming and exposing her fear using a variety of tools she has been given in class to maintain the lightness of being she first experienced.
As this principle is true for a musician mastering an instrument or sportsperson capacity to break a record so is it true for the actor who is developing a mastery of the human instrument in all its capacities.
And therein lies the rub as a facilitator it is my job to practice what I preach, as I make my own set of personal discoveries I must put the awareness to work and convert the knowledge to practice. Practice is embodied in repetition, attention, reflection and experience. I must lead this by example and encourage students to do the same without attention to practice the pathway will not embed and establish itself.
Having a breakthrough experience in class is one thing but without attentiveness to practice a new pathway will not embed itself into the familiar. It would seem that without rigour and attention the mastery of building and fortifying new pathways becomes less likely.
True artistic practice is not an unthinking or un-aware repetitive process, it is a conscious attentiveness to development through the discarding of unwanted and unhelpful tendencies and the nurturing and building of skills that lead to greater artistic satisfaction and fulfillment. Practice is vital to growth.
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