I have a horror of chrome and glass. It's my idea of hell.   In the semi-darkness a lamp highlights my modest desk mismatched wooden chair   Different hands carved them yet they are in love.     I'm here in contemplation of ghosts  200 years ago   conceiving these setting them in a real world where they find each other   *** (excerpt of Journal)   I think this must be months since I wrote here. What the fuck am I doing? Coming up on the one-year death-iversary and yet if I take non-duality seriously there is no yesterday and there is no tomorrow. Like I said what the fuck am I doing. Let's be specific.   For the past two weeks—during which I thought I possibly had covid even though I tested negative and they say test may be false—since I cannot get obtain another test unless I drive 50 miles down to San Jose, I have been hunkered down, not going outside. I mean I snuck over masked to Trader Joe's for salad yesterday but that's it. I literally have not done anything but go out back to check the chickens and put the bins out on Tuesday for Wednesday pick up. I take long naps, I'm eating food that has been in the freezer for god-knows-how-long or making myself more bread product to freeze. Or canned goods. I am kinda sick of tuna fish and organic lentil soup.   I started brushing up on Spanish and then switched to French and then added German and Italian. Dumped the last two because they were frankly too challenging especially German—as soon as I revisited der die das I shoulda known—and then today I thought well shoot I'm best at French. Why not just concentrate for a few months (although pretty juvenile to be jockeying up and down in the top 10; in the morning 6th; half hour later 3rd. Today, who knows?) and then go visit mes cousines.   Now it occurs to me this is just another way of fixating on Things as opposed to just sitting with the vast airiness of nothingness. It is extremely crazy making. The most extreme version of hair-splitting. Am I actually interested in something, exploring as in just normal everyday life or am I avoiding hence Stuck In Duality once again. The worst thing is  I really thought  I was developing an intuition about time wasting and then discovered  it is sooooo easy to veg out binge watch trying to get my sweater done just spend the whole freaking day sitting on the couch with my bathrobe next to me in case I get cold. I also keep forgetting that in non-duality everything is on reset.     Oh and moving furniture: went through a short period of rearranging things and did some more later after the changes had matured and needed re-doing. Moved my water rower out so it's more accessible and might have the potential for being used on a regular basis. Not a bad thing. This self enforced quarantine like I am sick—although I do have a cough that's true—means  the old routine of taking long walks even though my leg hurt trying to push through the pain has been supplanted.   I know. This is fun.   Finally having to acknowledge  it's totally possible to OD on non-duality YouTubes. Shocking! I was really looking forward to some of those long ones like an hour and a half, 2 hours 3 hours sometimes and then suddenly hit the brakes. If I think about it, I end up basically saying yes that's what happens. When you're not feelin Top of your game, when of course you start feeling sorry for yourself and you end up self-medicating however that works. I think I may have had possibly 2 bags of potato chips and some chocolate in the cupboard but I also was having heartburn everyday which was starting to be disturbing and then I get the other symptoms one after the other: fatigue cough—although my pulse oximeter is my friend, consistently 97 98—but right now even dictating is making me cough. And of course choir has been cancelled again we're back on Zoom and I wouldn't be able to sing anyway because I'm coughing.   What the fuck. I got to go to sleep.   I'm probably going to wake up tomorrow.   It'll be a new day.